When Do I Buy My Kid a Phone?!?

The School Council recently provided two parent information sessions with Daniel Sih.

I was lucky enough to attend the first session and felt both informed and challenged by the information delivered. Daniel brought contemporary research, entwined with personal advice with a Christian world view on how and when to deliver technology into our children’s lives. Topics included phones, internet, social media and gaming. Daniel has three children, and has lived the experience of introducing technology to teenage children who are facing pressure from their peers to feel included.

Key information and questions from the session that I found either backed up or challenged my choices as a parent are as follows:

How do behaviours and activities impact our children’s wellbeing?

Key information and questions from the session I found either backed up or challenged my choices as a parent

Daniel shared a study with a basic picture graph with smiling faces for things that make our children happy and frowny faces for things that hinder them. The two most impactful ‘smiley faces’ were sports/exercise and religious services. These activities have a positive impact on our children’s physical, mental, social, emotional and spiritual health. Other positive influences include print media (reading) and in-person interactions. Pleasingly, working and homework also rated in the smiley face section of the graph!

The other end of the graph was filled with activities relating to technology including, TV, video chat and computer games (moderate frowny faces), through to texting, social media and the internet which can have high level negative impacts on children’s wellbeing and happiness. Daniel talked about technology being designed to target the ‘fight or flight’ component of our brain, hindering development of social and emotional components such as empathy and personal interaction.

How long should children spend on devices?

From his research, Daniel recommended a maximum of 5 hours per week on devices with a maximum of 1 hour in any sitting or 2 hours in any day. He acknowledged that this can be challenging as a parent. I know I will be taking more notice of my ‘5 more minutes’ warning that can easily slip out to 15-20 if the kids are being quiet! Daniel mentioned an idea of using ten ‘30 minute’ tokens and a 30 minute timer as a visual way of keeping track of weekly usage. 

When should we get our children their own phone?

Daniel stated that each family is different and parents should make the decision on when their children get their first phone without pressure to ‘keep up with’ their peers. His personal opinion was to wait as long as you can. Some advice he gave on phones is as follows:

  • Phones are designed for adults. When you do get your child a phone, make sure they don’t have full access to all features and accessories,

  • Talk to your children about how and when they are to use their phone,

  • Buy the phone for your child so you have ownership over how and when the phone is used,

  • Apply filters or restrictions to the internet so you are aware of what your children are doing and can restrict access to inappropriate material. The internet provides opportunities for knowledge and information, but also creates pressure from social media, connection with strangers and unfortunately access to pornography and other inappropriate content.

  • Modelling good phone use is important for our children’s future habits.

What if this advice has come too late?

As I was sitting in Daniel’s presentation, there were times that I thought, ‘Yes, parent win!’ we’re doing that well, and other times where I thought, ‘Oh no, that ship has sailed…!’ Daniel mentioned it’s never too late to change habits or reign in access to phones and technology, it’s just harder than starting with good habits.

In his book Space Maker – How to Unplug, Unwind & Think Clearly in the Digital Age, Daniel talks about the idea of neuroplasticity. On page 33 he states this is “…a fancy term that simply means that our brain is malleable, constantly reshaping itself to adapt to our conditions… The more you participate in a particular activity, the more your brain adapts to these conditions. Conversely, when a thought pattern or behaviour becomes infrequent, fewer cells reinforce that activity… The brain is a dynamic, adaptive and highly responsive organ that is constantly changing in accordance with our needs.”

On page XVII of the introduction Daniel also mentions, “Digital habits and behaviours can be hard to adjust, requiring a comprehensive evaluation of our world view. In order to shift ingrained behaviours, we need both a personal why and a practical how.” The book uses the acronym SPACE, to outline the principles for successfully navigating the digital world in which we live.

Daniel mentioned it’s never too late to change habits or reign in access to phones and technology, it’s just harder than starting with good habits.

                S – Set Limits

                P – Plan Habits

                A – Assign Rest

                C – Cultivate Community

                E – Embrace Silence

Daniel mentioned the favourable influence that interacting and talking with our children has on their happiness and wellbeing. This even included talking and interacting with children on or about technology if it creates conversation and connection. He finished with research that eating one meal per day sitting as a family and talking together (without technology) has a positive impact on our children’s development and an important impact on our present and future relationships.

I pray for continued blessing over you and your family as we navigate the many complexities of the digital age.

Blessings

Andrew Nash - Head of Primary